“immediate enlightenment — infinite liberation — eternal light”
—
when we face a blank page
i would certainly have ticked the box marked ‘struggling’
—
the way things were supposed to work
had left us disillusioned in similar ways
i had no one to talk to
since intimacy isn’t something men talk about
you know
i sort of wanted to fuck her
but i also sort of wanted to die
—
once you’ve written a book
how do you go on writing?
—
it’s been days since i’ve been
spared from grief, illness or suffering
i had nothing to do
i was overcome by the feeling that everything could disappear
things wouldn’t get better over the years
solidarity in vain
—
i
felt nothing
it was beautiful, but was it realistic?
i’d been so absorbed in my reading
i’d forgotten to
sleep
sources of pleasure were hard to come by
—
as
one escaped from
eternal life
times had changed
i didn’t give a fuck
since it was nearly impossible
to
put down the phone
—
a premonition of imminent catastrophe
can occur to anyone, anywhere, at any moment
my attempt to interest myself in the natural beauty of the region
was obviously doomed to failure
you never had any trouble from
hiding
anything to keep me
silent
—
in theory
i wasn’t really convinced
of
clear ideas
in a ‘garden of memory’
i turned away from the computer screen and
found myself alone
—
things started to look up when
you
return
to the presence of god
over the course of the day
all of this
suited me fine
—
they hadn’t set a deadline
yes
you work for eternity
—
you’re you
and you’re interesting
glory had been a long time coming
when really
my only goal in life was to do a little reading
and get into bed at four in the afternoon
with a packet of cigarettes
—
for the first time in my life
i’d started thinking about god
only the present hurts
between two infinities of happiness and peace
a
lack of curiosity
really was a blessing
—
i was taking notes in a frenzy
to avoid physical suffering
simple pleasures
tended to be dismissed as
uninspired
the truth is
i was at a loss for words
—
i started to realise
that life might actually have more to offer
i’d be given another chance